Over the years, Kevin May has been derided as a self-obsessed megalomaniac or foreboding overlord, but the King of Tnooz himself will tell you that these baseless charges are the work of trifling minions consumed with jealousy over his success, fame, and rugged good looks.
Kevin May explains to conference attendees that the curse of his awesomeness is a lifelong burden that he alone must bear…
Photo Credit: HappyHotelier
Exactly how did Kevin become so awesome? The details, like all aspects of his existence are swathed in secrecy, mystery, and legend.
After an exhaustive year-long effort, a team of two dozen researchers have managed to piece together a telling mosaic of the enigma that calls itself Kevin May. Their assessment? It was unanimous: Kevin May is the first Renaissance Man of the 3rd Millennium – the epitome of awesomely awesome awesomeness.
Full Disclosure: Following the conclusion of their engagement, the two dozen researchers participated in a group conversion to Kevism – and are now members of the religious cult headed by Kevin May. Unfortunately, none would break their silence regarding the reportedly rigorous three-day initiation ceremony…
Echoing the sentiment of the research team, a recent survey of senior travel industry executives revealed that the nearly unanimous choice topping their Bucket List was “Meeting Kevin May.”
Interestingly, even for those senior execs that had previously met Kevin, their #1 Bucket List item remained “Meeting Kevin May Again.”
What inspires such adulation?
Tnooz North American Editor Dennis Schaal, one of the few interviewees capable of expressing sentiment beyond “he’s awesome,” remarked “Well, for starters, he pays my salary…”
A Tnooz Node who pleaded for anonymity added “The terror and fear aspects of Kevin’s persona are greatly overstated. Stories of loved ones suddenly turning up missing, while true, have nothing to do with the deep affection and heartfelt love we publicly express for Kevin.”
Culled from the 2,700 page dossier collected by the research team are the most revealing details about a man you previously knew merely as the most powerful man in the travel industry…
Seven Awesome (and little known) Secrets About Kevin May
- Kevin’s Favorite Word is Awesome
- Kevin is Constantly Pursued by Swarms of Fangirls
- Kevin’s Degree is in Criminology
- Kevin’s Hobby is Forensic Pathology
- Kevin Abjures Child Labor Laws
- Kevin is Moby
- Kevin is Evil Incarnate
- “Make Liven Yuk” – A poorly veiled threat to erode the quality of life for all living things
- “Like Knave Yum” – Relishing the oppression of the Underclass, with a cannibalistic flair
- “Me Kinky Value” – Nothing more than a cringe-worthy personal branding slogan
Many have misinterpreted Kevin’s tirades against those casually using the word awesome to describe mundane things like technologies, people or natural phenomena as a dislike for the word itself. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Kevin deems awesome to be the awesomest word ever – warranting usage solely when referencing literal superlatives, for example, himself. May lacks patience for the ambiguity introduced by figurative language. All other things incorrectly described as awesome by others are simply inferior and undeserving of the hallowed term.
Kevin’s beliefs are founded on the notion that the awesomeness of an object, place or event is solely a consequence, inherited from awesomeness possessed by its creator. When it comes to technology, anything short of a successful teleportation demonstration won’t inspire much more than a “meh” from Kevin.
Kevists, unlike other religious sects, do not struggle with the God v. Science question. Kevism demands no faith – all beliefs are supported by empirical evidence. God’s existence can’t be proven, but Kevin’s can. That’s all his legion of followers need or want to know.
Deification has offered Kevin new clarity of insight. He has jettisoned voicing opinions and now expounds only truths. Tnooz is awesome because it was created by Kevin May.
“While it is undisputed that I personify the term Awesome as both an adjective and intransitive verb, my ultimate wish is to have it objectify me as a noun.”
– Kevin Luke May
He affectionately calls them Kevlings. Not to be confused with those barely tolerated Tnooz Nodes, whose unbearably annoying quest for his attention and approval repulses May, Kevin cherishes the palpable adoration generated by his beloved Kevlings.
Frenzied Kevlings swarm and swoon in anticipation of seeing their hero
Most Kevlings are too humbled in his presence to utter his name. They refer to him as “He Who Must Be Named Awesome.”
“People get the wrong idea about Kevin. It’s not his choice to be mobbed by legions of adoring fans. And it’s not just young, attractive women. There are huge numbers of older women and men of all ages who are equally obsessed” states Tnooz Node Valyn Perini, adding “You got my name, right? That quote will be attributed to me? Kevin will definitely see it? Awesome Cool.”
Apparently following the concept of ‘Women and Children First’ popularized by sinking cruise ships, Kevin’s largely unseen security detail adeptly manages the crowds by prioritizing gender, age, attractiveness and energy level.
“It’s a personal safety issue, mostly for the Kevlings,” sympathizes the 6’9″ 320 lb., heavily tattooed former rhinoceros wrestler named “Mayhem” who leads Kevin’s team of 50 security operatives. “We don’t want all those nubile young ladies getting their view blocked when some older, fatter or taller person pushes in front of them. We put all the middle-aged, sedentary folk to the back for their own safety.”
“My Kevlings tell me that I embody a perfect blend of Shakespeare’s writing ability, John Kennedy’s leadership, Da Vinci’s creativity, Richard Branson’s business acumen, Brad Pitt’s looks, and Fabio’s intellect… One can’t expect them to react any other way when exposed to my enveloping aura of Awesomulinity…”
– Kevin Luke May
While Kevin’s LinkedIn profile describes a Bachelor of Arts degree in Criminology from Middlesex University, researchers uncovered a different backstory. His formal education was more closely related to a four year vocational “training program” while incarcerated in the Dangerous and Severe Personality Disorder Unit of Cambridgeshire’s super-maximum security Whitemoor Prison.
“My intense interest in travel was revealed soon after my liberation from the Close Supervision Centre where I was engaged in my Criminology studies” confesses Kevin.
Criminology is the ideal course of study for someone seeking a career writing about travel and travel technology. Investigative reporting on the business practices of major airlines is remarkably similar to investigating crime scenes; victimology studies are invaluable when understanding the relationship between hoteliers and the online travel agencies; studying criminal behavior comes in handy when analyzing fundraising tactics employed by travel technology startups.
Perhaps the most revealing discovery from the research was putting to rest rumors circulating that accused May of caging fangirls. They are true.
photo credit: Eve Edelheit/Dallas Morning NewsKevin May's fan's don't seem to mind the minor inconvenience of being caged for transport.
“One never realizes how things learned in one’s education may be applied later in life. What started as a security challenge wound up becoming a transportation solution. My favorite Kevlings benefit by getting to follow me on my travels at very low cost. It’s really a badge of honor – being singled out as one of the chosen few is a very rewarding experience.”
– Kevin May
Kevin has not completely left his background in criminology behind. In his spare time, he still fancies himself one of Britain’s foremost, albeit amateur, forensic pathologists. His expertise was borne from an interest he fostered through a self-administered, lottery-based, experimentation process he created for his fellow “classmates” at the correctional facility.
Kevin cherishes the time he gets to spend in his small basement lab – testing new “innovative” techniques on errant children prone to inevitably losing their way on local mountain biking trails.
As much a purist when it comes to his hobbies as in his business endeavors, Kevin designs and crafts his own tools based on his own exacting standards.
Kevin also enjoys re-purposing antiques, for example, his integration of a circa-1903 50cc single piston Harley Davidson Engine with a 1970’s era VAX Wet Vac. “Embalming’s no longer boring or time consuming… plus the kick-starter allows me to keep both hands free,” he boasts.
Timothy is shockingly lifelike
The unit is also reportedly used as a motivational tool to discipline Tnooz Nodes careless enough to make spelling errors or submit pieces requiring the slightest grammatical edits.
The research team was relieved to learn that Kevin’s well-documented obsession with Dr. Frankenstein’s reanimation projects was merely a passing phase. After witnessing the horrifying outcome of his one successful effort, Kevin swore never to experiment with creating humanoid life again.
His decade-long project “Timothy” is now a Tnooz Node who, still to this day, lovingly refers to Kevin as “Daddy.”
Resurrecting a Dickensian method that would make Fagan himself jealous, May lures unsuspecting street urchins (many lacking even shoes as shown in the accompanying photo) into his confidence and requires them to work 18-hour days wearing sandwich-boards to promote Tnooz at local Tube stations.
Informed observers reveal that in the case of some very young workers, a child’s first words are often “Check Out Tnooz…”
Shoeless street urchins tragically lured into a life of indentured servitude - the only existence they will ever know
Kevin dismisses critics that accuse him of preying on society’s most vulnerable by accentuating the positives. “This lot are predominantly uneducated, unemployed and contribute very little to the gross national product – on any given afternoon they’d likely be idly laying about” explains May. “By interning with me, they quickly learn that if you need something, like food, you need to work for it.”
The research team eliminated any doubt whatsoever that Kevin May and Moby are indeed the same person. After an exhaustive global search, no one was able to produce a photograph of the two together in the same room. That fact alone should suffice to silence the skeptics.
At last year’s PhoCusWright Conference in Hollywood, Florida, Kevin, apparently tiring of sustaining the duality of the lies affecting both fan bases, attempted to provide an obvious clue by queuing up and blasting Ave Maria during the Tnooz Appy Hour. The music aficionados in the crowd were finally convinced.
Beyond the obvious physical similarities and their brief stints dating actress Natalie Portman, the facts are incontrovertible. You be the judge:
1) Visual Evidence (Exhibit A)
Kevin May relishes the adulation of a typical Tnooz Appy Hour crowd
2) Sonic Evidence (Exhibit B)
Submitted for your consideration as further evidence of the unity of the two personas is one of Kevin’s recent compositions – a 66 minute transcendental progressive house piece that can only be described as Awesome.
[soundcloud url=”http://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/41099283″ params=”auto_play=false&show_artwork=true&color=ff7700″ width=”100%” height=”166″ iframe=”true” /]
It is titled Audio Drivel 1 – Warming Up and is available on the kevinlukemay’s channel on Soundcloud.
For some, this may be a logical conclusion based on #6 above – especially considering that Soundcloud profile photo…
As with revealing his identity as Moby, cross-referencing two indisputable pieces of evidence eliminate any question of Kevin’s true nature.
1) Kevin is Hellboy
Once believed to be a fictional comic book superhero, Kevin’s cover was somewhat blown by the two Guillermo del Toro directed documentaries, despite desperate measures taken to protect Kevin’s true identity.
Compare these two unretouched photos:
Kevin May clearly has horns
Pull back the angle, add a little Devils-fyre and Kevin May is unquestionably Hellboy
Obviously, any true Son of Satan would have the power to disguise his appearance by transfiguring his horns to move from the front to the back of his head…
Researchers were not suitably convinced by Kevin’s feeble explanation that he was simply feeling a bit horny when the photos were snapped.
2) Kevin is the Eye of Sauron
You’ve seen the famed Kevin May “Eye” avatars. Yes, they are creepy. While Kevin has provided countless hints about his true identity throughout his social media, the missing link was provided by the Soundcloud avatar above. The photo captured Kevin’s eye partially through its transition from seemingly harmless bespectacled travel tech pundit to horrifying despot of Middle Earth.
Kevin May is the Eye of Sauron
According to the old English proverb, “eyes are the window to the soul.” Try dragging Kevin’s Twitter avatar (the eyeball) into a Google Image search and click on the Visually Similar link. A horrifying array of images are returned – even with Safe Search set to moderate.
The disturbing images include multi-eyed monsters, countless mouths, a mutilated thumb, fish, meat byproducts and babies mixed among among an assortment of unidentifiable body tissues. Whatever you do, DO NOT set Safe Search to OFF.
Further insights into the deranged psychosis that serves as the core of Kevin May’s soul are revealed through anagramic analysis of his twitter handle – @kevinlukemay.
These results reflect a much more sinister subliminal plane of consciousness lurking below Kevin’s faux travel tech journo facade.
Renaissance men of the third millennium certainly have a new standard-bearer. Admired for his unparalleled supernatural power, musical talent, and work with children, it is understandable so many find Kevin May’s appeal irresistible. Augmented by his success, striking good looks and the attraction of inherent danger when associating with a sociopath, his followers simply can’t help themselves. They allow Kevism to wash over them.
In summary, Kevin May is not simply Editor of Tnooz, but boy toy, criminologist, Moby, Hellboy and the Eye of Sauron neatly layered into one adorable package. Pretty awesome, huh?
Your awesome responsibility is now to tell Kevin how awesome he is through all his social media channels. He is particularly fond of unique suffixes being appended to the word. Help make April 1 an unforgettably awesome day for Kevin.
About Robert Cole
